i want to be a very earnest person. ive been a liar for a lot of my life. my name is eden. im a system. its nice to meet you. i love my partner and i dont want to be some shell of myself while it grows into a beautiful and skilled and intelligent person in front of my eyes. so this is my website. i want to grow here and i want to make some kind of a home here. ive never had a home that stuck around very long until now, and im still getting used to that so maybe having control over this little space will help with that. thats what im hoping, anyway. ive had little carrds and stuff before, so maybe this is the medium i need. im going to pour my heart out here on the regular because i really, really need a place to do that. i hope i can make some friends in the process, huh?

i use it or he prns. im 22, i like sweet lolita fashion, and i prefer to keep most of my biological details a secret. im working at a mall, not getting enough hours. my partner is job hunting. i spend most of my days lately petting my cats and trying to remember to take my prozac, and trying to remember which particular days this month i will actually be busy and effectively plan for them since i have so much time on my hands. all this time and no rest, it feels like. strange how that works out. im not yet on hrt but im hoping to get on track for it soon. 22 and still medically pre-trans. its embarrassing. i have very little respect for myself in this way. i tried hard to fight for it when i was young but as ive gotten older, ive just become so complacent. but thats what this site is for. taking myself back. ill wear whatever i like and be whoever i please, thank you.

for those concerned, this is my diary page!!!! lol. i dont have a button here but i dont have a password either. and i dont have any containers also. ill work on that. i have a pretty mean headache and i just cant seem to do anything kind for myself. im very tired and im hurting and i just kind of want to pass out and not wake up. well that sounds bad but like im actually doing really good, overall. i come from one of those shitty little midwestern nowhere towns that has a pile of a dirt and a gas tank and a dollar general. and drugs. intravenous. ykwim. im lucky to just be mildly reliant on weed to regulate my mood and nicotine (for now). i need to stop relying on where i came from, really. i just cant stop talking about it, all my life. im obsessed with it. im obsessed with figuring out the exact degree to which i experienced trauma in order to validate myself about whether i deserve to have such a reaction at all. can i just give myself a break? catch a breather?? like damn what did he (me) do to you (also me)

my loveliest most beautiful favorite person in the whole world gave me a container and showed me what to do in the future to make my very own container! yippee. i figured out that my gender is.. well, its fine as it is. i would still like to start hrt in the near future but i just need to own who i am right now. speaking of, i presented clearly as my agab at work today for the first time ever and was quickly assured that i look gay enough by a very sweet customer of the same sex who called me pretty and said something about my 'presence.' hello? i was so scared. i bought some cute socks today though and im thinking about getting into lolita but im soooooooo freaking tired i just want to turn into a sluuuuudge. im hoping to achieve something with this lolita sesh though because i want pictures to ask my boss if i can wear it to work. so he can see its below the knee and stuff. i think i want to bleach my hair again. to be honest. and dye it something pastel. lilac, maybe. pink. ive been growing it out for, um, like 6mo and i havent been bleaching it because it was consistently fried for a while. not my proudest. its getting me compliments now, at this length. its crazy. i havent even picked a hairstyle!! im just growing this shit straight out my head bro!! im just wearing it straight out the package!!